Befriend yourself: from self-criticism to self-compassion
I bet you are a great friend. I bet you treat your friends, especially when they are having a hard time, with kindness, empathy, and patience. You listen to them when they feel hurt, hug them when they are sad, speak words of encouragement when they feel insecure, help them to look at the bright side, reassure them when they feel scared, and forgive them in the case of mistakes. Now think about the way you treat yourself when you are having a hard time; when you fail, suffer, or feel inadequate. If you conclude that your response is quite different; I invite you to continue reading. This is a blog on befriending yourself through self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the opposite of self-criticism. Instead of judging, rejecting, blaming, or criticizing yourself, self-compassion involves self-kindness, accepting your humanness, and mindfulness (Neff, 2003).
- Self-kindness means being warm, empathetic, and understanding towards yourself when confronted with painful experiences. You put your arm around your own shoulders, just as you would do to a friend.
- Accepting your humanness refers to the recognition that to be human means to be imperfect, flawed, and vulnerable. You are not the only one to suffer or make mistakes, as both are part of the shared human experience. You are just human. You are just human.
- Mindfulness in the context of self-compassion refers to approaching your emotions in a balanced way, by neither suppressing nor exaggerating them. You gently and openly observe your emotional landscape, without denying or getting swept away by difficult emotions. On the one hand, you acknowledge what is there to feel, on the other hand, you put your own situation in a larger perspective. Check our blog on mindfulness here.
Let’s apply self-compassion to a real-life example you are most likely familiar with. Let’s say your exam period is approaching. As time passes by, your stress level rises. Only a few hours before the exam you’ve got sweaty palms, restless legs, and an elevated heart rate. What would self-compassion look like in this specific case? You would mindfully observe the emotions that accompany the increasing stress level, you would remind yourself that students all around the world go through similar experiences, and would empower yourself with encouraging words.
How to grow self-compassion?
Growing self-compassion is a process that requires time, effort, and repetition. The reflective exercise below is a great way to get the process started.
- Remember a situation in which you supported a close friend who was having a particularly hard time. Describe below how you treated your friend. What did you say? What did you do? If you can’t think of a real-life example, then you can imagine one instead.
- Now think about a time you were having a hard time yourself. How did you treat yourself? Write down what you said in what tone, and what you did.
- Now compare the two responses. What do you notice? Are they different? In what way? Why do you respond differently to yourself than to your close friend?
- Imagine you would treat yourself in the way you treat your friend. Imagine the effect on your well-being and life.
Motivated to continue the process of growing self-compassion? Return to this exercise each time you catch yourself being self-critical. Do you prefer some variation? Explore a wide range of exercises here: Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff.
If you would like some support along the way, please note that we would be happy to guide you at Siggie. We’ve got a e-health module on self-compassion that, in combination with the coaching sessions, could promote the shift from self-criticism to self-compassion. Sign up for a coaching trajectory here.
I bet you are a great friend. Why not befriend yourself and see what happens?